The past three days have been a fascinating juxtaposition of the seasons of parenting life.  God worked out the timing challenges we faced on Thursday and Friday by cancelling Marina’s oral surgery in a rather dramatic and unexpected way.  She was put under IV sedation, but the procedure had to be aborted due to upper airway obstruction.  The surgeon will attempt it again under general anesthesia in two weeks, and we are praying for a safe and uneventful surgery and that the cause of Thursday’s incident will be identified and resolved.

At approximately 3:30 pm that afternoon, our family sat in a traffic jam in Norfolk, Virginia about two blocks from CHKD and watched (via modern technology on my iPhone) as a small Cessna jet from Chicago touched down at Norfolk International Airport just a few miles away.  This air ambulance, doubling as a stork, carried two babies halfway across the country and a huge step closer to their forever family.  Fortunately, the traffic started moving just in time to keep me from getting out of the car and walking the rest of the way to the hospital.  I told the kids that this was adoption’s version of the pushing stage in labor—nothing would stop us now!

A short time later, we all stood in amazement as two ambulances—one pink and one blue—delivered Tess and Titus to their new family and their temporary hospital home.

They are now settled in at the NICU at CHKD, and WE ARE IN LOVE!!!

Once we got past the shocked security guard who said “all those people cannot possibly be one family,” we spent a lovely evening getting to know them and “Aunt Jane,” the social worker who has lovingly cared for them and worked so faithfully to match us together.  No one wanted to leave the hospital that evening, but we had to transition from this spring season of parenting to a winter one.

Jerry and I finished loading Maya’s possessions later that night and left in the early hours of Friday morning to drive her to Williamsburg.  We spent the day helping her settle into her freshman dorm at The College of William and Mary.  In the middle of the sweaty move-in day, Jerry got the exciting and somewhat unexpected news that he will be promoted to Captain!  The events of the day both exhausted and excited all of us.  Maya is now settled into her new home, and that departure was even more difficult than leaving the twins because I knew I would not see her tomorrow.  Part of my heart is now in Williamsburg, and I miss her dearly.

But today, I returned to the spring season as Saylor greeted me early this morning and begged to go to see her new brother and sister.  We took Granma, and all three of us marveled at Titus and Tess…not only their adorableness—which is off the charts!—but also all of the “normal” baby things they can do like cry and coo and suck on a bottle and grasp our fingers.  We cherished every minute and did not want to leave them, but they were both worn out from all of the attention.  We realized that it is critical to take multiple people on our visits because they are in separate parts of the NICU, so we need to divide and conquer to give them each enough attention.  Our time with them was sheer joy, and we are so incredibly excited about how well they are doing and counting the days until they can come home for good.

So, our oldest baby is in college now, and our littlest babies are not home yet but are a whole lot closer than they were a few days ago!  And I am left to marvel at this juxtaposition of parenting seasons…a spring season of new beginnings with two precious babies and a winter ending to one season of parenting Maya and the beginning of a whole new one.

God is so faithful to give me just the word I need at just the right time, and on August 23, the morning we left to take Maya, I read this in Jesus Calling:  “When you release loved ones to Me, you are free to cling to My hand.  As you entrust others into My care, I am free to shower blessings on them.  My presence will go with them wherever they go, and I will give them rest.  This same Presence stays with you, as you relax and place your trust in Me.  Watch and see what I will do.”

His presence and blessings are on Maya at W&M and on Tess and Titus at CHKD—and on me in both these spring and winter seasons of parenting.  Thank you, Lord for these incredible blessings and the ones in the “in-between seasons.”

If you saw a woman walking through the Target parking lot yesterday afternoon, giddy with excitement and joy, squealing “Victory is the Lord’s” over and over again, that would have been me!  And if you saw a woman driving her car in that same general vicinity, screaming “YES” and “Thank you, Jesus!” while two of her daughters pleaded with her to pay attention to the road, that would have been me as well.

Despite some pretty tough resistance, insurance approval for transport came through late yesterday afternoon.  Titus and Tess will fly via air ambulance to CHKD (Children’s Hospital of The King’s Daughters) tomorrow afternoon to meet their forever family and the physicians who will manage their care going forward.  Things looked so bleak earlier in the week that it left no doubt in our minds that this was the Lord’s doing.

“I know that you can do all things; no purpose of yours can be thwarted.”  (Job 42:2)

God’s timing is perfect, but I had a little conversation with Him this morning about the fact that the twins’ plane arrives a few hours after Marina has a pretty invasive oral surgery procedure and a few more hours before Jerry and I depart for William and Mary to drop Maya off at college.  He is sovereign, and I am sure there is some purpose for the craziness the next few days will bring.  I will be grateful to hold our newest babies for as many hours as I can before leaving with our oldest baby.

Pictures will be forthcoming…until then, enjoy Saylor’s creations…

“Waiting on God requires the willingness to bear uncertainty, to carry within oneself the unanswered question, lifting the heart to God about it whenever it intrudes upon one’s thoughts.”  (Elisabeth Eliot)

Part of the challenge of a faith journey is keeping your faith in spite of strong opposition.  That has been God’s lesson for me the past two weeks.  The joy of signing our placement documents for Tess and Titus and announcing their existence to our friends and family has been incredible.  But we have also had to battle negativity and pessimism from a small minority in the world of insurance and medicine as we struggle to get them to Virginia.  This battle has revealed to me the stark difference between living out of fear and living out of faith.

“Immediately Jesus made the disciples get into the boat and go on ahead of him to the other side, while he dismissed the crowd. After he had dismissed them, he went up on a mountainside by himself to pray. Later that night, he was there alone, and the boat was already a considerable distance from land, buffeted by the waves because the wind was against it.

Shortly before dawn Jesus went out to them, walking on the lake. When the disciples saw him walking on the lake, they were terrified. ‘It’s a ghost,’ they said, and cried out in fear.

But Jesus immediately said to them: ‘Take courage! It is I. Don’t be afraid.’

‘Lord, if it’s you,’ Peter replied, ‘tell me to come to you on the water.’

‘Come,’ he said.

Then Peter got down out of the boat, walked on the water and came toward Jesus. But when he saw the wind, he was afraid and, beginning to sink, cried out, ‘Lord, save me!’

Immediately Jesus reached out his hand and caught him. ‘You of little faith,’ he said, ‘why did you doubt?’

And when they climbed into the boat, the wind died down. Then those who were in the boat worshiped him, saying, ‘Truly you are the Son of God.’”  (Matthew 14:22-33)

God has shown me clearly over the past two weeks that this is a “Peter Walks on Water” story.  We made a decision for the twins—much less faith-based than Peter’s decision, as we consulted with doctors and prayed and sought counsel from friends before stepping out on our little lake.  But now we are out of the boat and being bombarded by the doubts and fears of well-meaning doctors and insurance representatives.  Keeping their negativity from tainting our joy is a battle at times.

I wonder what Peter felt when he took his eyes off of Jesus?  Did his heart start to race?  Did he begin reasoning with himself, formulating a plan of attack to get back to that boat?  Did he break out in a cold sweat?  Did he whip out his smart phone and text John or James?  Did he call his mom for advice?  Did he go online and search the Internet for solutions to his problem?  What does it feel like to take our eyes off Jesus and look at our circumstances?  When panic begins to set in, how do we respond?

I think I am finally starting to recognize the symptoms that present themselves when my faith is being threatened by fear.  I am finding that this is half the battle.  Once I recognize the attack on my faith, I have two choices.  I can allow fear and doubt to consume my joy.  I can question my decision to get out of the boat in the first place and start looking back with regret or forward with fear and uncertainty. Or, I can reject these things in the name of Jesus and keep my eyes—not on circumstances or possible difficulties but on Christ!  The Provider.  The Source.  The Light.  The Way.  The Truth.  The Healer.  The Shepherd.

If anyone can make these babies “okay” (whatever that is), it is Him!  If anyone can bring them home quickly, it is Him!  And if anyone can provide for us if they are not okay or they do not come home quickly, it is Him!  So why should our eyes ever be anywhere else?  And why should our ears ever hear anything else?

“Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make your paths straight.” (Proverbs 3:5-6)

Our eyes should not stray toward predictions or statistics or bottom lines.  They should not look at what has happened in the past or what potential problems may arise.  They should be focused solely on the One who called us and who promised to be with us.

“As I was with Moses, so I will be with you; I will never leave you nor forsake you.” (Joshua 1:5b)

What do statistics matter to a parent anyway?  If one of our children has a 99% chance of some catastrophic condition, a parent’s job is to walk in faith and belief for the chance to be the 1% that is perfectly fine.  And if they have a 99% chance of being perfectly fine, there is still the 1% that isn’t.  And if you are the 1, then it really doesn’t matter what the percentage was, does it?

When I was expecting Lydia, I was first told there was a 1 in 10 chance she would have Down syndrome.  That’s a 10% chance of having Ds and a 90% chance of not having it.  Later, a “high level ultrasound” reduced her chances to 1 in 20, so a 5% chance of having Ds and a 95% chance of not having it.  The odds were in her favor, but in the end, the odds didn’t matter.  She had Down syndrome, and that was the reality.  So, we dealt with it and embraced it.  Now we have a beautiful little girl, and statistics are irrelevant.

A handful of doctors and hospital administrators and insurance providers want to focus on all of the “what if’s” with Titus and Tess and live in fear of going back down the path we just walked with Timothy.  But that doesn’t honor Timothy’s legacy at all.  He didn’t teach us to fear; he taught us to love and to trust and to step out in faith—to find the good in every situation and to focus not on circumstance but on the One who transcends circumstance.

“Who is going to harm you if you are eager to do good?  But even if you should suffer for what is right, you are blessed. ‘Do not fear what they fear; do not be frightened.’ But in your hearts set apart Christ as Lord.”  (1 Peter 3:13-15a)

Two choices:  Live out of fear or Live out of faith?  I’ll take faith, please…preferably to go…all the way from Chicago to Virginia!

I pray that those who are choosing to live out of fear will experience heart changes or that they are rendered powerless in this situation.  I pray that the efforts made by many who are walking in joy and faith and optimism to bring these babies to Virginia where they belong would prevail against all opposition both spiritual and practical.  And I pray that our eyes would stay firmly on Christ, the only source of hope, peace, and certainty.

“Be still before the Lord and wait patiently for him.” (Psalm 37:7)

As a friend who knows and understands adoption challenges all too well told me recently, “Psalm 68 says that HE is the one who sets the lonely in families.  Not me.  Not you.  Not insurance companies or hospitals, etc.  HE will accomplish what He has started.”  Her prayer for us is Job 5:8-16:

“But if I were you, I would appeal to God; I would lay my cause before him. He performs wonders that cannot be fathomed,
miracles that cannot be counted. He provides rain for the earth;
he sends water on the countryside. The lowly he sets on high,
and those who mourn are lifted to safety. He thwarts the plans of the crafty,
so that their hands achieve no success. He catches the wise in their craftiness,
and the schemes of the wily are swept away. Darkness comes upon them in the daytime;
at noon they grope as in the night. He saves the needy from the sword in their mouth;
he saves them from the clutches of the powerful. So the poor have hope,
and injustice shuts its mouth.”

Amen to that.  Faith, not fear.

A New Call 

At the end of the comments I wrote for Timothy’s Celebration of Life, I shared some lessons he had taught me.  One of them was “that we are called to do hard things, things we never wanted or expected to do—and that the harder the thing we are called to do, the more God meets us in the midst of it.”  I knew that there would be another call; I just didn’t know what it would look like—or when it would come.  I only knew that I needed to be “ready.”

So, I did what any rational girl would do, I cleaned my closet!  And reorganized my books.  And finally “finished” our finished room over the garage (FROG) that serves as part school room, part play room.  I fixed up the master bedroom, and I cleaned and reorganized my office.  Much remains to restore order to our neglected home, but these steps energized and encouraged me, so when I saw the post about the baby girl named Tess who needed a family, I didn’t hesitate to request more information about her.

That may seem like a huge deal, but I cannot even recall the number of babies and children I have inquired about over the past few years.  Even when Timothy was still in the hospital preparing to come home, I was inquiring about kids needing homes.  Jerry would say, “Melissa, don’t you think you should wait until he gets home before you find another sibling for him?”  Hmmm…I guess that would be best.  My friends who have adopted will understand what I mean.  Once you have tasted the joy of expanding your family through adoption, it is something you want to do again and again until God says to stop.

We had initiated the process to update our homestudy before we knew that Timothy would never come home.  Our hope was to get him settled in at home this summer, then let God show us what He had next for our family.  Of course, God’s plan for Timothy was much bigger and better than ours, but I have already shared that story.

When he passed away, we decided to go ahead with our plan to update the homestudy.  All it would do is make us available and able to adopt a child.  The update was good for three years, and we knew that God wouldn’t let anything happen until it was time.  Interestingly, our homestudy update was completed on July 18, 2013…the same day that the National Down Syndrome Adoption Network (NDSAN) posted about baby Tess on behalf of another organization, The Shepherd’s Crook, that seeks to match children with special needs to their forever families.  Tess doesn’t have Down syndrome, but she does have significant medical needs, so the NDSAN shared her information with the families on its registry.

When I sent the inquiry, I didn’t really expect to hear anything back; usually I do not. But five days later, I received an email with the heading “Update About Baby Tess.”  The email provided more detail about Tess’s medical condition and asked families receiving the update to speak with a physician to determine whether they were still interested in adopting her.

Jerry and I talked and decided to walk forward until God closed doors.  We are blessed to know a neonatologist at the local children’s hospital who shared his impressions based on the new medical information provided to us, and we were confident enough to say that we were still interested in being considered.

Tess’s major medical problem stems from the fact that she was born prematurely (at 29 weeks) and as a result, has suffered a Grade IV IVH (intraventricular hemorrhage).  This is bleeding in the brain that has caused brain damage.  The bleed has now clotted and has caused Tess to have hydrocephalus, which is basically “water on the brain” that has to be drained, right now through a reservoir but likely eventually through a shunt.

On Thursday, July 25, Jerry and I simultaneously drove through Virginia, him returning from a business trip to DC and me heading to VA Tech for a swim meet with Jonah.  We had lots of time during our individual drives to think and pray about Tess.  We prayed specifically about whether God was calling us to adopt her and whether we could handle her medical needs.  We immediately recognized the uncertainty of what her diagnosis would mean for her future and saw that saying “Yes” to her would be a huge leap of faith as we really wouldn’t know what we were saying “Yes” to.  Our prayers became prayers for clear direction and for God to open or close doors according to His will.

On Friday afternoon, July 26, after Jonah’s morning swims were finished, he and I were browsing the racks at a Goodwill we discovered at last year’s Age Group meet and had been looking forward to visiting again.  A few minutes into our treasure hunt, Jerry called to say he had just received a call from baby Tess’s social worker.  She shared that they had cut off their number of inquiries at 30 families, narrowed that to 10 from those who remained interested, and then cut the pool to 4.  She told Jerry that we were one of the four families but that she had some shocking news about Tess that may change our minds.

Expecting Jerry to share a new medical diagnosis or a downturn in her condition, I braced myself.  There was no preparing for what he had to share though.  The shocking news was that Tess has a twin brother with the same diagnosis, who the birth parents were going to keep; however, they had decided to place him for adoption as well.  Jerry was asked if we would consider taking both of the babies or if not both, if we would consider adopting one and staying in touch with the family who adopted the other.

Jerry’s reply?  “I think I had better call my wife.”

The social worker’s response?  “You think?!?”

So, there I stood in the $3.00 shorts section of a Goodwill in Christiansburg, Virginia, receiving the shock of my life.  Our God was not only opening the door, He was opening double doors!  French doors, as Marina would later say (the babies’ birth parents are French).  The question now was whether we would walk through them.

“I Will Be With You”

That evening and the next day were a blur of Internet searching, phone calling, emailing, talking, feeble attempts at prayer, sleeplessness, and constant questioning of God.  We received more in-depth medical records, which our neonatologist friend graciously and promptly reviewed.  Our prayer:  “Your will, Lord.  All we want is your will.  Show us clearly, Lord.  We need you to make this one REALLY obvious.”

By Sunday morning, I felt like I had gone in circles for 36 hours but moved nowhere.  From the parking lot of the Christiansburg Aquatic Center in the wee hours of the morning, I ended the prayer in my prayer journal with the following:  So, Lord I only know and desire to seek your will in this—to know the desire of your heart—to hear your call—to feel your peace.  I want your reassurance.  Please, Father.  I don’t even know how to ask.  I feel I have fumbled my way along in asking over the past few days.  I am so pitiful at extended, heartfelt prayers.  I think and analyze too much.  If I am still now, can you speak to me?

And speak, He did.  First He showed me His great love and adoration for these babies.  He showed me that He had sent angels to surround them the minute they were born and that those angels had not left their side.  He showed me that the desire of His heart is to place them in a loving Christian home and that He would be thrilled if we would open our home to them and to trust Him wholeheartedly with their future.

Then He gave me several scriptures.  The first was Exodus 3:11-12a:  “But Moses said to God, ‘Who am I, that I should go to Pharaoh and bring the Israelites out of Egypt?’ And God said, ‘I will be with you.’”

That was followed by Romans 8:26-27:  “In the same way, the Spirit helps us in our weakness.  We do not know what we ought to pray, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us with groans that words cannot express.  And he who searches our hearts knows the mind of the Spirit, because the Spirit intercedes for the saints in accordance with God’s will.”

My response?  “Wow, Lord, so you hear through my feeble prayers?”

He continued with Romans 8:28:  “And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.”

Me:  Not just some things, but all things.  Those who have been called—Are you calling us, Lord?  I have thought so.  Please confirm that.

“Look to the Lord and his strength; seek his face always.  Remember the wonders he has done, his miracles, and the judgments he promised” (Psalm 105:4-5)

Then God directed me to two of Jesus’ “kingdom parables” in Matthew 13, one in which a man found a lost treasure in a field and sold everything he had to buy that field.  The other was a similar story of a man who sold all he had to purchase a pearl of great value.  I knew that God was reminding me that we must be willing to sacrifice all for the kingdom of God.

In the coming days, God confirmed His call again and again.  Our neonatologist was able to speak to the babies’ doctor directly and see current ultrasounds of their brains, which enabled him to counsel us in ways he could not before.  Empowered by this confirmation of what God had been telling us, we informed the agency of our desire to go forward with the adoption of both of the twins.  The next day, the agency identified us as the forever family they had chosen for Tess and her brother.  The only thing remaining was to be certain the birth parents wanted to go forward.  Wednesday, July 31 was set as the date they would sign surrender documents.

That morning, which happened to be Saylor’s 9^th birthday, I woke to a mess as Lydia’s nighttime diaper didn’t quite hold.  My “quiet time” was set aside for the sake of clean up.  Later in the morning, I could feel the void of not having that time, so I escaped to my room.  In my prayer journal, I wrote out a prayer thanking the Lord for Saylor and asking God’s will for the babies.  I wrote, “If they are better off with the parents, I pray you will move their hearts to keep the babies and then soothe our hearts.  If the babies are better off with adoptive parents, I pray you would give the parents your perfect peace.  Help them sign quickly and smoothly and move on.  Then if it is your plan, show us the best and fastest way to bring them here to join our family.  We love them already and want them desperately but only if it is your will and plan, Lord.  I pray the whole situation would rest solely in your hands.”

When I closed my prayer journal and opened my Bible to the scripture for that day’s devotional, I was stunned to read the following:  “Sing to the Lord, sing praise to his name, extol him who rides on the clouds—his name is the Lord—and rejoice before him.  A father to the fatherless, a defender of widows, is God in his holy dwelling.  God sets the lonely in families, he leads forth the prisoners in singing; but the rebellious live in a sun-scorched land.”  (Psalm 68:4-6)

My response:  Oh Lord, I am so humbled!  Does this mean what I think it means?

Something prompted me to write down the time in my prayer journal.  I wrote “July 31, 2013 at 11:43 a.m., I read the following” then copied the scripture.  Before I could even finish copying it, I received an email from the social worker that read, “The birth parents have just finished signing surrender documents.”  The time on the email was 11:50 am.  The birth parents were signing at exactly the time that I was reading scriptures telling me that God was placing them in our family!  Amazing!

So, that is the longest way ever of announcing that WE ARE ADOPTING TWINS!!!

I have always wanted to start a blog; in fact I opened this one a couple of years ago but never did anything with it.  Rather than starting a Caring Bridge for them, I decided to try a blog instead.  I expect it will be heavy on the “twin news” for the next few months, but my great prayer and hope is that their medical issues will be overshadowed by the blessings and lessons that life with them will teach our family as we embark on a new faith journey.  We are the same broken souls who were blessed with five biological children and one sweet adoptive son who now watches over us from heaven.  But thanks to him, we have a deeper understanding of the God we trust and love and a greater awareness of our need for His guidance in every aspect of our lives.  Just as God promised in the scripture He gave me a week ago and then reiterated on the back of a t-shirt I saw in Moe’s during Saylor’s birthday lunch that said “I am with you –God” (yes, God can speak through a t-shirt), He will be with us every step of the way.

And isn’t that all we really need to know?

Introducing…

 Titus Asher Barnes

and his twin sister, Tess Moriah Barnes

who officially joined their forever family on Monday, August 5, 2013 at approximately 12:15 p.m.  Please pray for doors to open for them to be transferred to Virginia to continue progressing toward discharge.  If that cannot happen, they will need to stay where they are until they are able to be discharged, and we can bring them home.