December 23. Sigh…today God was brutally honest with me. The past few days, the wheels fell off my proverbial Advent Season bus. Deadlines passed. To-do lists would shrink then grow—back and forth by the hour—so that it appeared no progress was being made whatsoever. Four people in our house got sick. I fell impossibly behind in all of our Advent devotionals. My work force shrank and attitudes tanked. Even my “minimum” wasn’t within reach. Within a matter of days, it seemed I had erased all of the truth and peace and reflection and joy God had been revealing to me over the past three weeks. I felt just as miserable as I had felt a few days before Christmas in previous years—the years I was trying so hard NOT to duplicate.

I grew increasingly discouraged, and cried out to God for help. His answer: the only problem here is YOU. That is not what I wanted to hear. But, it is true.

A few days ago, I wrote about the idol of a perfect Christmas. Clearly, I did not internalize what God revealed to me that day. Because, here I was pining away over the disintegration of my plans. Now, I think God allowed them to disintegrate so He could show me how important they were to me—and how far my heart is from where it should be.

At the beginning of the month, I downloaded a picture—from Facebook, I think—that I then made the wallpaper on my phone. It says: “Are you celebrating a Season or worshipping a Savior?” All month I have seen that question every time I turned my phone on, which is a LOT of times a day. Yet, it took me 23 days to realize the disappointing answer.

In Deuteronomy 4, Moses the warned the Israelites not to “become corrupt and make for yourselves an idol” (verse 16) and not to “be enticed into bowing down to them and worshiping things the Lord your God has apportioned to all the nations under heaven.” (verse 19) Moses knew that he would not enter the Promised Land, and he wanted the Israelites to know and understand the significance of their covenant with God. He admonished them, saying “For the Lord your God is a consuming fire, a jealous God.” (verse 24)

In the devotional Advent: The Whole Story, Paul David Tripp writes, “The thing that always replaces love of God is love of self…You and I will find a way to insert ourselves into the center of our world. We’re obsessed with our will; we want to be sovereign over our own lives; we want to set the rules; we’re addicted to our own pleasure and happiness.” (Advent: The Whole Story by Paul David Tripp, p. 6)

Even with all of the reading, reflecting, praying, and writing I have done this month, as the end of the Advent season drew near and my plans began to unravel, I saw how central they had become to me—more central than the God I was supposedly pursuing. God convicted me that I was indeed celebrating a season—worshipping it even—not a Savior, and that I had made even my Advent journey about me, rather than about God.

Before I could initiate a pity party, completely give up, and resign myself to failure, I realized that this is one of those blessings in disguise. Tripp writes, “This Advent Season, you need to embrace the sad reality that your heart is still prone to betraying the Lord.” (p. 7) He continues: “God allows difficulty to enter our door, not because he’s too weak to help or because he doesn’t hear our cries, but because we need personal heart transformation.” (p. 11)

Moses went on to warn the Israelites against corruption and idolatry, telling them that those things would lead them to destruction. My God is the same God that Moses warned the Israelites about, and if I worship an idol or corrupt the celebration of His Son’s birth, I should not be surprised that He would issue a correction. Instead, I should be grateful.

As much as I would like to blame the people around me, condemn their complacency, or lament unexpected setbacks, the truth is that if my purpose is sincerely to pursue my Savior this Advent season, then none of these things should hinder me in that. In fact, if anything, they should push me further into the arms of God, where I can safely pour out my frustration and disappointment.

The only problem I have as Advent draws to a close is the problem I have everyday—a sinful heart prone to wander from God. But likewise, the Savior whose birth I am desperately trying to grasp and TRULY celebrate this Christmas offers the same solution He offers everyday—Himself. As Tripp wrote in his devotional, “This Advent season, don’t reach for hope in your situations or circumstances or relationships. Hope will never be found horizontally. Hope has already come, and His name is Jesus.” (p. 12)

Lord, here I am again, making the same mistakes of losing my perspective and worshipping my created idols. But thankfully, there You are again, ready to receive me back, accept my apology, extend your neverending grace, and set me on my way again. Help me let go of disappointment with myself, others, and circumstances. Keep me from being distracted by the externals of celebrating Christmas, and focus my attention on the internal—my heart—which is what has always mattered most to You. Thank You that sanctification is a process and that You use my failures to mold me into a better likeness of Your Son. In His holy name, I pray. Amen.

“There you will worship man-made gods of wood and stone, which cannot see or hear or eat or smell. But if from there you seek the Lord your God, you will find him if you look for him with all your heart and with all your soul. When you are in distress and all these things have happened to you, then in later days you will return to the Lord your God and obey him. For the Lord your God is a merciful God; he will not abandon or destroy you or forget the covenant with your forefathers, which he confirmed to them by oath.” (Deuteronomy 4:28-31, NIV)