“And the Lord hardened the heart of Pharaoh king of Egypt, and he pursued the people of Israel…The Egyptians pursued them, all Pharaoh’s horses and chariots and his horsemen and his army, and overtook them encamped at the sea…When Pharaoh drew near, the people of Israel lifted up their eyes, and behold, the Egyptians were marching after them, and they feared greatly. And the people of Israel cried out to the Lord…And Moses said to the people, ‘Fear not, stand firm, and see the salvation of the Lord, which he will work for you today…The Lord will fight for you, and you have only to be silent.’ The Lord said to Moses, ‘Why do you cry to me? Tell the people of Israel to go forward. Lift up your staff, and stretch out your hand over the sea and divide it, that the people of Israel may go through the sea on dry ground…Then Moses stretched out his hand over the sea, and the Lord drove the sea back by a strong east wind all night and made the sea dry land, and the waters were divided. And the people of Israel went into the midst of the sea on dry ground, the waters being a wall to them on their right hand and on their left. The Egyptians pursued and went in after them into the midst of the sea, all Pharaoh’s horses, his chariots, and his horsemen…And the Egyptians said, ‘Let us flee from before Israel, for the Lord fights for them against the Egyptians’…Moses stretched out his hand over the sea, and the sea returned to its normal course when the morning appeared. And as the Egyptians fled into it, the Lord threw the Egyptians into the midst of the sea. The waters returned and covered the chariots and the horsemen; of all the host of Pharaoh that had followed them into the sea, not one of them remained. But the people of Israel walked on dry ground through the sea, the waters being a wall to them on their right hand and on their left. Thus the Lord saved Israel that day from the hand of the Egyptians…Israel saw the great power that the Lord used against the Egyptians, so the people feared the Lord.” (Exodus 14:8-9a, 13a, 14-16, 21-23, 25b, 27-30a, 31a)

Last December, God began sending me word after word related to this passage of Scripture. I was in despair over a second failed marital reconciliation attempt that prompted one of the most stunning and evil acts anyone has ever taken against me. The result was devastation in almost every area of my life. I had been believing God for a miracle in my marriage and stood immobile in utter despair.

I attended a small worship night at my church one Friday night. Only a few people were in attendance, and near the end of the service, my beloved pastor prayed for Tess who was still hospitalized. His prayer unleashed my tears, and as I knelt on the floor sobbing, our worship leader Oliva shared a word from this passage in Exodus. She spoke of the hopelessness that Moses must have felt after all the effort he had put forth freeing the Israelites from bondage. There he was with a frantic, ungrateful nation of people trying desperately to finish the deliverance God had orchestrated through him. They were being pursued by Pharaoh’s army on one side and faced an enormous body of water on the other side. No visible escape in sight. Yet in that hopelessness, God made a way.

Deep in my heart a seed was planted—a seed of hope for my marriage. There was no rational cause for this hope. No words or actions hinted of anything worth redeeming. But as I wrote yesterday, my hope was not in my husband or the devastating circumstances but in a God who drowns enemy armies, parts seas, raises the dead, and brings life to dry bones.

I clung to the word Moses gave his people: ‘Fear not, stand firm, and see the salvation of the Lord, which he will work for you today…The Lord will fight for you, and you have only to be silent.’

And so I watched and prayed and waited and worshiped and hoped. I continued to examine my own life, faced more hard truths, sought healing, changed a lot of broken parts, and felt the Lord put me back together again. And I waited for my miracle. For the sea to part. For the enemy to drown and release all that he had stolen.

I prayed a version of Daniel’s prayer over my marriage and family:

“O Lord, the great and awesome God, who keeps covenant and steadfast love with those who love him and keep his commandments, we have sinned and done wrong and acted wickedly and rebelled, turning aside from your commandments and rules.  To you, O Lord, belongs righteousness, but to us open shame…because we have sinned against you. To the Lord our God belong mercy and forgiveness, for we have rebelled against him and have not obeyed the voice of the Lord our God by walking in his laws, which he set before us. Our family has transgressed your law and turned aside, refusing to obey your voice.  All this calamity has come upon us; yet we have not entreated the favor of the Lord our God, turning from our iniquities and gaining insight by your truth. And now, O Lord our God, who brought your people out of the land of Egypt with a mighty hand, and have made a name for yourself, as at this day, we have sinned, we have done wickedly. O Lord, according to all your righteous acts, let your anger and your wrath turn away from our family.  God, listen to the prayer of your servant and to our pleas for mercy, and make your face to shine upon your sanctuary, which is desolate. My God, incline your ear and hear. Open your eyes and see our desolations. We do not present our pleas before you because of our righteousness, but because of your great mercy.  Lord, forgive. Lord, pay attention and act. Delay not, my God, because our family is called by your name.” (based on Daniel’s prayer for his people in Daniel 9)

Months passed and the devastation grew. Evil seemed pervasive in our home, and it was corroding all of us physically, emotionally, spiritually, and practically. In desperation, I did something that in hindsight was rather odd. I went to see the marriage counselor who had attempted to help us navigate our two reconciliation attempts. That session did not go as I expected. I thought he would counsel me about the mistakes I had made in our reconciliation attempts and help me chart a path that would lead to the Red Sea miracle I so desperately wanted.

Instead, he opened my eyes to the reality of my situation, named it for me, showed me what was in my circle of influence and what I needed to accept, and chastised me for staying in an environment that was so harmful to myself and my children. He asked me why I had elevated my husband and my marital status above the Lord in my life. He told me to shift my focus from hoping for reconciliation and restoration to creating a safe and sane home for myself and my children and living as the strong, independent person God created me to be. He told me that God was not restricted by time or place and that He could still work a miracle in my marriage no matter where we lived. He reminded me that he had counseled us to separate residences the previous summer in order to allow space for necessary healing that could foster reconciliation—something that I had wanted desperately but been unable to secure.

This man’s counsel equipped me to take the necessary steps toward deliverance for myself and my children, and God flung doors open to provide for us in amazing ways. On the outside, it probably appeared that I had given up on my miracle, but those who know my heart intimately knew that I was still standing at the Red Sea waiting for it. Not because I saw any sign in the people or circumstances involved but because I had hope in a miracle-working God.

Five days into the writing of these Advent Journals, I received a message that revealed shocking news of betrayl by someone I mistook for a close friend—someone I had opened my heart and home to in the midst of this vulnerable season. The choices and actions revealed by that message told me unequivocally that my marriage is over.

Even though this appeared to be the most probable outcome of our story, the certainty of it was like experiencing a new death and a new wave of grief. As I processed the news with my counselor, she gently told me that she believed God allowed the betrayl because He knew that it would take something that extreme for me to let go of the hope I had buried deep in my heart. She said that He knew that ultimately, I would be much better off. Vaneetha Rendall Risner describes it like this: Everything is needful that he sends. Nothing can be needful that he withholds. God knows what I need and has chosen for me what I would not have chosen for myself, given my limited perspective on life and my penchant for my own comfort. But if I had God’s perspective and knew what he knows, I would undoubtedly choose what he has given me. It has all been necessary. ” (The Scars That Have Shaped Me, p. 84)

In the midst of my grieving, a dear friend called to cry and pray with me and said that God had given her a word for me…from Exodus Chapter 14…the same chapter as the passage above that I thought I had read inside and out since receiving that first word a year ago.

Right after the Lord told Moses to lift up his staff and stretch his hand over the sea, the following occurred:

“Then the angel of the God who was going before the host of Israel moved and went behind them, and the pillar of cloud moved from before them and stood behind them, coming between the host of Egypt and the host of Israel. And there was the cloud and the darkness. And it lit up the night without one coming near the other all night.” (Exodus 14:19-20, ESV)

As my friend delivered this word to me, I knew that I had missed more than a section of scripture. I had missed my miracle because it didn’t come in the form I expected. God didn’t break bondage, end abuse, soften a hardened heart, or resurrect a dead marriage. He put an angel on one side and Himself on the other, and He held this daughter through the darkness of the night. That is the miracle. Being held by Him. HE is the miracle.

And as the end of this Advent season approaches, I cannot help but see the parallel. So much of the world missed and still misses the Christmas miracle. Because it didn’t come in the form they expected. God didn’t charge onto the scene on a white horse wielding a sword and overpowering evil Roman rulers, and He doesn’t charge into our lives, mending all that is broken. Instead, He sent an angel of the Lord to an ordinary teenage girl, put Himself inside her womb, subjected Himself to torture and crucifixion, and delivered this world from the darkness of the night. That is the miracle. HE is the miracle.

The people who walked in darkness have seen a great light; those who dwelt in a land of deep darkness, on them has light shone…For to us a child is born, to us a son is given; and the government shall be upon his shoulder, and his name shall be called Wonderful Counselor, Mighty God, Everlasting Father, Prince of Peace. Of the increase of his government and of peace there will be no end, on the throne of David and over his kingdom, to establish it and to uphold it with justice and with righteousness from this time forth and forevermore. The zeal of the Lord of hosts will do this. (Isaiah 9:2, 4-7, ESV)