On Tuesday, April 2, 2019 at 7:09am, I placed a small, irregular-shaped, black stone in my left hand. Flecks of white, grey, and silver were scattered throughout my stone, which was why I had chosen it from among the thousands of options lining the ground beneath my deck. I proceeded to hold it in my hand nonstop for six hours. I held it while I dried my hair and realized that my hair is rather flat when I try to style it with a stone in one hand. I held it while I dressed the children and fixed their breakfast and realized that it is more difficult to care for little people when your hand is grasping a small stone.

Within a short while, I noticed that the stone made my palm sweaty, and by the end of the six hours, my hand felt stiff, clammy, and a little raw. I noticed the stone constantly at first, but after a couple of hours, it seemed like part of me. Even as it continued to inhibit my activities, it felt attached to me as if it belonged there. At one point I carried a small pile of items from one room to another and noticed that as I released them from my grasp, I had to make a conscious effort to hold onto my stone rather than letting it go with the other items.

The six hours passed more quickly than I expected, and at no point did the stone leave my palm. I had fully expected to drop it or need to put it down at least once or twice; however, clinging to it quickly became instinctive.

The stone I carried for six hours on the morning of April 2^nd represented unforgiveness. The act of carrying it was an exercise I was instructed to complete while reading The Book of Forgiving by Desmond and Mpho Tutu, one of several resources God has graciously led me to over the past few months.

From the experience, I drew the following conclusions…

Carrying unforgiveness feels cumbersome at first but gradually becomes deceptively natural.

Carrying unforgiveness affects my physical appearance and leaves me feeling stiff and raw.

Carrying unforgiveness affects almost everything I do in some way.

Carrying unforgiveness inhibits my ability to help others.

When I cling to it, unforgiveness begins to feel like a natural part of me.

When I hold to unforgiveness, I am unable to fully open my hands to receive.

Unforgiveness serves no useful purpose whatsoever.

Unforgiveness offers nothing of value to me or those I love and serve.

Letting go of unforgiveness requires a conscious, willful act.

 

In the chapter of the Tutus’ book that assigned this exercise, the following poem is offered:

“I will forgive you

The words are so small

But there is a universe hidden in them

When I forgive you

All those cords of resentment pain and sadness that had wrapped

Themselves around my heart will be gone

When I forgive you

You will no longer define me

You measured me and assessed me and

Decided that you could hurt me

I didn’t count

But I will forgive you

Because I do count

I do matter

I am bigger than the image you have of me

I am stronger

I am more beautiful

And I am infinitely more precious than you thought me

I will forgive you

My forgiveness is not a gift that I am giving to you

When I forgive you

My forgiveness will be a gift that gives itself to me”

(from p. 26-27 of The Book of Forgiving by Desmond Tutu and Mpho Tuto)

 

May I always remember the stone I carried and the One who empowers me to lay it down.

 

“Then Peter came up and said to him, ‘Lord, how often will my brother sin against me, and I forgive him? As many as seven times?’  Jesus said to him, ‘I do not say to you seven times, but seventy-seven times.’” (Matthew 18:21-22, ESV)