In honor of Titus and Tess’s 6th birthdays, I had planned to repost the inaugural entry from this blog because 1) it tells the story of their adoption, and 2) I am swamped with academic papers and haven’t found much time for personal writing lately.  But before I could do that, I read a post on Facebook from someone I consider to be part of our family.  Once I stopped sobbing, I asked her permission to share it here, and she agreed.  So in her own words, here is the story of June 8, 2013 from Crystal, the twins’ surrogate mom:

 

This is long and I am sorry but I just can’t believe it was 6 years ago, how can it be? I remember sitting at the karate studio having the strangest pain nothing like any labor. Called the Dr and I just knew within minutes there was nothing I could do these babies were coming!! The worst part is I knew I couldn’t stop it now matter how hard I tried!

From the moment I was 13 I knew I wanted to help families that couldn’t have babies. After I had Kailynn I knew our family was complete and I decided I wanted to give families something they have yearned so hard to have for themselves! It wasn’t an easy process matching cycles, lots of hormones, shots and Dr visits every week, but I didn’t care, even if I didn’t get paid ONE dime this was something I wanted to do.

After being a surrogate with my first Surro baby, my heart still felt incomplete in my journey. I just felt that tug from God saying “Crystal your not done yet”.

I listened to the whisper and met with my consultant and was told there was a family from France that would love to meet with me and discuss be being their surrogate.

We connected and I was so excited to be helping a family again and I just could not wait to get this process started again. We talked every day even through such a language barrier, we had a bond that I thought nothing could separate.

I became pregnant with twins and we were all sooooo excited I had two beautiful babies that I got to help bring into this world for a family that otherwise would not be able to have.

We spent everyday talking, I would record every heart beat and send them videos, I would record my belly to show them their babies moving. This was their pregnancy I wanted them to experience everything no matter how far the distance!

We found out it was a boy and girl just what they wanted! Names were decided within minutes and me Chad and the kids were beyond happy for them.

I went about my pregnancy like normal, loving food, swollen feet, dr appointments and the daily grind. About 27weeks I went in for some labor pain turned out to be a UTI and was sent home with an antibiotic. All was good and I felt back to my normal self

Two weeks later a whirlwind in my life I had never prepared for came!! I’m sitting in the karate studio when Logan was preparing for his black belt exam and this crazy burning sensation came I thought ok this UTI is back, I call the Dr and they suggested I come to the office. I started gathering my things and within seconds of getting off the phone I KNEW something was wrong! By the time I got to the car I was begging chad to hurry just speed up, just get me to the hospital these babies are coming and something isn’t right! He rushes me there I tell him don’t even park the car leave the kids In it at the front door and just throw me at the desk with my wheel chair and I’ll take care if it so he could get the kids.

I remember the lady at the desk saying don’t worry mom this happens all the time and it isn’t the real thing yet so don’t worry. I remember looking at her and saying run lady I know this is real as I’m literally starting to undress knowing what was to come. As we raced through the halls I’m just at a loss trying to keep these babies in, praying nothing is wrong, and just wishing this lady would hurry up!!!

We get up stairs and the door and as the nurse comes she looks at me and says don’t worry we will have a room soon I said NO NOW!! As at this point I cared less who was there. I still remember the looks from the nurses like this isn’t real it’s the typical mother lol until that moment of them checking me saying “oh no she is ready to go baby is coming”!

I was devastated what did I do wrong why is this happening? These babies are too early, I failed the parents etc.. I got to the c-section room and I just prayed please God let these babies be ok!! I was going to try and deliver until the ultrasound showed that Thomas (Titus) didn’t have a heartbeat.. so emergency C-section was the only option. I remember my Dr rushing. So many nurses and me just praying with all my might! Minutes felt like hours and all I wanted was to hear babies cry! Just cry, cry like all my others then I know it’s ok…. there was nothing worse then hearing nothing but nurses and waiting, then finally I heard the faintest cries which at least gave me a moment of security.

The moments to follow were the hardest moments of my life!!! I sat with my Dr and we talked about the babies, the love the compassion and the care he showed me was a moment I will NEVER forget. He sat by my bed side and talked to me not as a patient but as a friend. Which is what I needed, I was told that they are ok but with the tough delivery and how hard it was to get them out we were sure not the extent of damage. I was told that Thomas(Titus) would have to be immediately taken to Illinois masonic and Tess would remain with me at Sherman.

Before they transferred Thomas (Titus) I was able to see him and he was so precious and soon after I got to walk to meet Tess. While all this craziness was happening I made sure that chad called the parents and told them what was happening so they could hurry and get here!! Their babies needed them, I was would of course take care of them but they needed their mommy!!

In the mean time of waiting, Tess also needed to be transported they both were showing signs of brian bleeds. It was the worse feeling knowing that there parents weren’t here and they were alone in another hospital with no one.

And then the moment I NEVER thought could even happen did!
The parents came and visited me and we did all the legalities. Ate lunch and I told them everything, showed them pictures and told them how beautiful their babies were!! They were so happy. They left the hospital and went to go see them! I was so excited for them, even though this wasn’t an ideal situation and we didn’t know what was to come they were going to see their babies.

Well instead of loving their babies they looked at them as not perfect and no longer wanted them:( they literally told the drs that they were imperfect and to pull the plug on them and let them die! The Drs told them your babies are sick, but they are not dying! Miles away when I heard this I fell to my knees sobbing. How!!! How could a mother who wanted children so badly look at her two beautiful children and GIVE UP! How could you tell them to let them DIE!!

After they met with the counselors they said well we will see what happens.. the hardest part was that I continued to have to convince this family to LOVE there children, convince them to want them, how do you do that?? it was the most heartbreaking moment in my life!! They told me they were going to keep the stronger one which at the time in their eyes Thomas (Titus) and put the other one up for adoption, which at the time was I told them No don’t do that they can not be separated! If that was the case let us adopt Tess so they can have some type relationship. They seemed on board with it and then all the sudden we never would see them. I would drive breast milk every other day for them and never see them, the nurses would tell me they would only come for a few minutes and leave.

About two weeks later, I get a call saying that they put both up for a closed adoption and left. They didn’t text, call or anything. All I knew is that I could never talk to anyone about them… and the fact of explaining all of this to my children, which is a whole other book haunted me!

I continued to visit and bring them milk and prayed that these parents would understand that these babies are beautiful, prayed that I had the means and could adopt them, prayed that they would not become part of the state. I spent months in agony just wanting these babies loved and trying to convince myself I didn’t do anything wrong! I had so much guilt and pain.

Then God answered my prayers!!! While the hospital couldn’t give me information on the adoption or anything. They knew how much I loved them and how much I dedicated time to them and visited them multiple times a week! They told me that a wonderful family had chosen to adopt them BOTH!!!! I was not allowed to have any other info but in that I was happy and relieved. Still heartbroken at these parents who have lied to me and betrayed my family but happy that I know the babies would be loved. I asked the hospital if I could at least give them a letter from me and the kids for them to have. Which they allowed I never thought I would receive anything back what we did!!!

This family was perfect and it allowed my heart to heal and took every worry I had ever had away!!!

I know that the journey was hell and even with what I wrote here it doesn’t even cover nearly 10% of my emotions or the full experience, but I know that my journey was not invain and there was a bigger plan from the beginning that I knew nothing about!

People ask me would you go through this experience ever again and my answer is Absolutely !!!! Some parents go through many obstacles to have children and will do anything for them! While I started this journey for a French couple it turns out the journey all long was for someone else longing and hurting…. it is crazy how life’s plan works and how you can be tested to trust the process!

I know these babies are well taken care of and loved and have EVERYTHING they need!!! I know they are having a great day celebrating how wonderful it is to be 6!!!!!

I know this was a crazy book, but such a part of my life that has for ever changed me!

Happy 6th birthday Beautiful babies!!!

 

My book club recently met to discuss the masterfully crafted novel, All the Light We Cannot See by Anthony Doerr.  We discussed the title at length, contemplating what the light we cannot see represents.  This morning as I reflect on Titus and Tess’s birthday, the phrase seems to fit their lives so perfectly.  I could not see why Timothy had to die. Crystal could not see why the twins’ biological family made the choice they made.  But when the Lord intersected our lives, we both saw what we had not been able to see before.  And it was a beautiful story filled with light–the light of Jesus who provides heavenly homes for little boys whose bodies are worn out on earth and earthly homes for orphan babies who need a forever family.  And I cling to this idea of the light I cannot see when my heart breaks that the marriage of this forever family seems broken beyond repair because it doesn’t make sense that God would give such a broken gift to little babies in need.  But I had the same question when God placed Timothy in a family that couldn’t keep him safely at home.  And God’s response then was, “You can never adopt the wrong child.”  So I have to hope that He also says to Titus and Tess, “You can never adopt the wrong family.”

He is sovereign and He is good, and no matter what pain or desperation or dismal circumstance we face, He will bring light to darkness and joy from mourning and love from pain.  Sometimes we are privileged to see it and sometimes we just have trust that it is there–invisible to us but crystal clear to Him who sees all.

Happy Birthday to my beautiful babies, Esther “Tess” Moriah and Titus Asher.  You were chosen.  You are gifts.  And even when I question hardships and circumstances, I never question you or your places in our perfectly imperfect family–the light we could not see–that shines on so many lives every single day.

 

Related post:  A New Call