I have a playlist called Motivate Me.  It’s pretty short so far—only five songs—but I play it so often that the kids know all the words to all five songs.  Hearing Titus blare, “This girl is on fire” always makes me chuckle.

Lydia’s favorite song on the playlist is “Speechless,” the song Disney added to the new live-action Aladdin soundtrack, one of our absolute favorite albums this summer.  At the top of her lungs, Lydia belts Jasmine’s lyrics:  “I won’t be silenced; You can’t keep me quiet!”  And I hope she believes that with everything in her.

That sentiment is also why I can’t postpone writing for another week!  I took the summer off of personal writing to knock out four grad classes in two eight-week terms that overlapped by two weeks (oops…didn’t see that in the schedule when I registered).  My summer writing consisted of annotated bibliographies, research papers, article reviews, and case studies.  I survived, and I loved (almost) every minute.  But I am more than ready to break out of academic writing mode and resume the personal writing that had become such an important part of my life last winter and spring.

I’m sure the accumulated summer stories will trickle out slowly over the coming weeks.  As the highlight reel runs through my mind, it contains such a varied collection of memories:  Maya’s PA school graduation and party; another amazing (partial) week at Sandy Cove Family Camp; the rebirth and tragic death of my vegetable garden; cherished outings and visits with my older kids; surgery and a terrifying incident involving Lydia (she’s fine now); a beautiful wedding in northern Virginia; a trip to see my family; hours upon hours of studying and writing in various Hampton Roads coffee shops; two meetings of my new book club; countless outings to the aquarium, children’s museum, CFA, Sweet Frog, and other favorite spots with Lydia, Titus, and Tess; seeing Jonah work incredibly hard at a full-time job AND complete high school early; health issues for some dear friends and family; yet another custody and support hearing delay; celebrating the one-year anniversary in my beloved home; and the addition of Emet, the cutest—and most exasperating—little Cavadoodle puppy in all the world, to our family!

I was a little nervous about the summer because our temporary custody order gave the kids an extra day at their dad’s house each week.  When they are gone, the house is eerily quiet—and clean—but mostly quiet.  What would I do with that extra time without them?  My first instinct was to travel and reconnect with several friends I hadn’t seen in awhile, but schedules are difficult to match up, so only three trips made the calendar.  The extra time alone intimidated me at first.  When I am alone with my thoughts and feelings, I can either face them or numb them.  Numbing is decidedly easier and more fun, but taking that deep breath and facing them brought a freedom and joy that will last far longer than any numbing techniques ever did.

If I had to sum up what God revealed to me over the past summer (and really the entire last year) in one word, it would be WAIT.  He has told me repeatedly to wait.  And not just to wait but to do it patiently, quietly, and in stillness. All my years of trying to fix or fight or emote in response to trials or injustices or hurt, and He just keeps saying “Wait.” Where’s the power in that?!?

Scripturally, waiting is a common theme…Elijah and Noah waited for rain.  Ruth waited for a redeemer.  Hannah, Elizabeth, and Sarah waited for a child.  The bleeding woman waited for healing. The Israelites waited to see the Promised Land.  Anna waited to see the Messiah.

But practically, it seems that waiting is one of the hardest things for us to do, especially in our modern culture when we literally have instant access to pretty much everything we want or need.  Google, Amazon Now, Instacart, Door Dash, and Uber seem to have us covered. But some things are not instant. Fighting for justice requires a perseverant strength.  Grief cannot be rushed.  Teaching a child is a slow, deliberate process.  Educating yourself takes hours of committed study and effort.

This summer—and all year—I have discovered that the power in waiting for the Lord to move is a deep, abiding power.  It is unlike anything I have experienced before, and once again I am left thanking God for unthinkable circumstances because they have driven me to Him in ways I would have never gone instinctively or willingly.  I recently discovered the song “Scars” by I Am They.  I cried every time I heard it for the first few weeks because it resonated so deeply with me. If I was remotely musical, this is the song I would have written because it so perfectly tells my story:

“Waking up to a new sunrise
Looking back from the other side
I can see now with open eyes
Darkest water and deepest pain
I wouldn’t trade it for anything
‘Cause my brokenness brought me to You
And these wounds are a story You’ll use

So I’m thankful for the scars
‘Cause without them I wouldn’t know Your heart
And I know they’ll always tell of who You are
So forever I am thankful for the scars

Now I’m standing in confidence
With the strength of Your faithfulness
And I’m not who I was before
No, I don’t have to fear anymore

So I’m thankful for the scars
‘Cause without them I wouldn’t know Your heart
And I know they’ll always tell of who You are
So forever I am thankful for the scars

I can see, I can see
How You delivered me
In Your hands, In Your feet
I found my victory
I can see, I can see
How You delivered me
In Your hands, In Your feet
I found my victory

I’m thankful for Your scars
‘Cause without them I wouldn’t know Your heart
And with my life I’ll tell of who You are
So forever I am thankful

I’m thankful for the scars
‘Cause without them I wouldn’t know Your heart
And I know they’ll always tell of who You are
So forever I am thankful for the scars
So forever I am thankful for the scars” (“Scars” by I Am They)

Because of His faithfulness and the confidence it brings, because of His deliverance and the victory it guarantees, because of His sacrifice and the salvation it offers, I can obey Him without reservation or hesitation.  And so I wait.  I wait for resolution in my marriage and while I wait, I honor the covenant, not for him but for HIM.  I wait for justice, knowing it comes not through legal courts but through the perfect JUDGE.  I wait for healing, taking the quiet spaces He has gifted to me and being willing to feel the pain and offer it up to Him bit by bit, trusting Him to build something beautiful out of all of my broken pieces.

And while I wait, I treasure every moment with every child because in my children, I see God’s redemption of all the mistakes I have made.  I cherish every friend because in them I feel tangible evidence of His loving care for me.  I value the places He has provided for me to live life because they are full of joy and beauty and people who make me smile.  I relish my church community where I can worship with genuine gratitude and a newfound freedom, hear truth, and share life with a lot of other imperfect people.  I serve with a desperate desire to make a difference in people’s lives.  I study and write because I want to learn and grow and nurture the gifts and interests He gave me.

It’s a new experience for me to not think much about the future—what it will look like, how timing will play out, how needs will be met.  Instead, I mostly think about what He is doing and revealing while I wait.  And I marvel at the fact that knowing that it is all in His hands is actually enough for me. While it seems entirely counterintuitive, one of the best things that happened to me was having some of my greatest fears realized and then recognizing that I’m not only still standing, but I am better for it.  “Darkest water and deepest pain, wouldn’t trade it for anything, ‘cause my brokenness brought me to you”—a place where waiting is the most powerful thing I can do.

“Have you not known? Have you not heard? The Lord is the everlasting God, the Creator of the ends of the earth. He does not faint or grow weary; his understanding is unsearchable. He gives power to the faint, and to him who has no might he increases strength. Even youths shall faint and be weary, and young men shall fall exhausted; but they who wait for the Lord shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings like eagles; they shall run and not be weary; they shall walk and not faint” (Isaiah 40:29-30, ESV).