“And, lo, the angel of the Lord came upon them…And the angel said unto them, Fear not: for, behold, I bring you good tidings of great joy, which shall be to all people. For unto you is born this day in the city of David a Savior, which is Christ the Lord.” (Luke 2:9-11)

Can’t you just hear Linus’s voice? I think one of my all time favorite Christmas moments is when he answers Charlie Brown’s desperate, pleading question: “Isn’t there anyone who can tell me what Christmas is all about?!?”

This morning, I awoke with another question on my mind…Who is MY Savior?

I know the Sunday School answer. Jesus. But who does my life say is my Savior? I’m forty-eight years old and have been a believer for thirty-five years (with about a six-year gap as an agnostic, but that is another story altogether). But I don’t think I lived most of those years as if I had or even needed a Savior other than myself. I don’t say this proudly or with false humility but with a gut-checking realization that would come with shame, except that I know the source of shame and am not entertaining him or any of his minions.

Last winter in another worship encounter at my church (yes, I have an amazing church!), our incredibly gifted worship leader, Olivia Dyer, introduced a song called “Defender” by Rita Springer. That song (actually the entire album, Battles) has become very meaningful to me over the past year, especially the following lines:

“When I thought I lost me

You knew where I left me

You reintroduced me to your love

You picked up all my pieces

Put me back together

You are the defender of my soul”

I could write pages about what these lines mean to me, but at the heart of them is the need for a Savior. I wish it hadn’t taken such tragedy for me to see the need or fully receive it, but I wouldn’t go back now even if I could. I don’t want to be that person anymore…the one who thought she had to fix everything and everyone, the one who felt responsible for the world, the one who lived in fear, the one who tried to be everybody’s Holy Spirit, the one who said she trusted the Lord but really looked to man—herself, her husband, her friends, her church—for affirmation, for identify, for answers, for happiness.

Relationships, jobs, hobbies, addictions, money, success…we look to them for all of those things, but eventually the emptiness returns because we have a void they just cannot fill. Trying to be someone’s Savior is exhausting, and expecting someone to be yours is unfair. I have done both and had them done to me. But when I broke and God put me back together, He mercifully left those pieces out and made Himself the “defender of my soul.” And every chance I get, I will point others to Him—my Savior, who is Christ the Lord!

“He drew me up from the pit of destruction, out of the miry bog, and set my feet upon a rock, making my steps secure.” (Psalm 40:2, ESV)