“Now when [the wise men] had departed, behold, an angel of the Lord appeared to Joseph in a dream and said, ‘Rise, take the child and his mother and flee to Egypt and remain there until I tell you, for Herod is about to search for the child to destroy him.’ And he rose and took the child and his mother by night and departed to Egypt and remained there until the death of Herod. This was to fulfill what the Lord had spoken by the prophet, ‘Out of Egypt I called my son.’” (Matthew 2:13-15, ESV)

This slightly less familiar part of the Christmas story resonates deeply with me this year. Because God also called me out of Egypt, and I keep trying to go back.

Egypt has a bit of a mixed reputation in Scripture. Clearly, it was a safe haven for Mary, Joseph, and young Jesus. And many, many years before, it had been a refuge of another type for another man named Joseph. Jacob’s favored son—the recipient of the coat of many colors—found himself in Egypt, sold by his own brothers as a slave, imprisoned, and alone. Eventually God freed him from prison and raised him to a place of authority, second only to Pharaoh himself. Through God’s provision, Joseph was positioned to feed the Egyptian people during great famine and to save and be restored to his own father and brothers as well. He then settled his family just outside of Egypt in a land called Goshen, where they prospered greatly.

But in the years that followed, “there arose a new king over Egypt, who did not know Joseph. And he said to his people, ‘Behold, the people of Israel are too many and too mighty for us. Come, let us deal shrewdly with them, lest they multiply, and, if war breaks out, they join our enemies and fight against us and escape from the land.’ Therefore they set taskmasters over them to afflict them with heavy burdens…they ruthlessly made the people of Israel work as slaves and made their lives bitter with hard service, in mortar and brick, and in all kinds of work in the field. In all their work they ruthlessly made them work as slaves.’” (Exodus 1:8-11a, 13-14).

The Egypt in my story was also a place of refuge that became a place of bondage. It was a place where I served the wrong gods and where things that had once seemed beautiful turned very dark. I fervently prayed for God to bring reconciliation and restoration within Egypt, but instead He chose to deliver me from it. And I am grateful.

But some days, I remember the Egypt of refuge and forget the Egypt of bondage. Sometimes the hurt just gets stuck in my throat and I can’t quite swallow it down or cry it out, so it just stays stuck there. And on those days, I think I want to go back to Egypt where things are familiar and secure.

A few weeks ago, I shared this struggle with a friend who intimately knows my story, and she reminded me that the Israelites suffered this same internal battle. They even experienced it in the midst of their deliverance, crying out to the Lord, “Is it because there are no graves in Egypt that you have taken us away to die in the wilderness? What have you done to us in bringing us out of Egypt? Is not this what we said to you in Egypt: ‘Leave us alone that we may serve the Egyptians? For it would have been better for us to serve the Egyptians than to die in the wilderness.’” (Exodus 14:11-12, ESV)

And later, even after seeing the miracle of God’s deliverance, they lamented: “Then all the congregation raised a loud cry, and the people wept that night. And all the people of Israel grumbled against Moses and Aaron. The whole congregation said to them, ‘Would that we had died in the land of Egypt!…Would it not be better for us to go back to Egypt?’” (Numbers 14:1-2, 3b)

Moses, Aaron, Joshua, and Caleb pleaded with the people, telling them that the land God prepared for them was exceedingly good and that with His protection they need not fear the giants they may encounter in that land.

Through my friend and His word, God unequivocally told me the same: Do NOT go back to Egypt! And to anyone else tempted to return to whatever bondage God has delivered you from—whether internally or externally inflicted—I say the same: Do NOT go back! Your memory will play tricks on you—recall the easy and simple and leave out the dark and evil. Egypt will entice you with its fine food and shiny riches. Maybe your identity is tied up in Egypt, and you aren’t sure who you are outside of its boundaries. People you love may have chosen to remain in Egypt, and you may miss them or think you can rescue them. Fear will whisper to you that Egypt is familiar and secure—you know what to expect there, and the future is just an uncertain mystery. But as Corrie ten Boom once said, “Never be afraid to trust an unknown future to a known God.” The same God that delivered you from Egypt will walk you step-by-step through the promised land—giants and all–providing all that you need.

The land He has brought me to IS abundantly filled with exceedingly good things, and thankfully He has surrounded me with people ready to remind me of that on the days when the hurt gets stuck in my throat.

“Good-bye Egypt.”

“And Moses said to the people: ‘Fear not, stand firm, and see the salvation of the LORD, which he will work for you today. For the Egyptians whom you see today, you shall never see again. The LORD will fight for you, and you have only to be silent.’” (Exodus 14:13-14, ESV)